existential sadness

I really enjoyed being a parent and I miss that part of my life.

I used to come home from work and go immediately to the kitchen to pull together a meal for the family that I would serve at our dining room table. We would all sit down together to eat. We ate dinner together almost every single night for many years. This only started to fall apart in the last few years with Aaron but even still we would eat together at the same dining room table a few times a week. Now I don't know what to do with myself. Cooking for two is difficult. We tend not to eat at the dining room table anymore but rather on trays in front of the TV. I sometimes like this but often not. I think I need to insist that Dave and I eat at the table still. I think I also need to try a little harder with respect to making something nice for dinner for just the two of us.

It doesn't feel as "vital" as it used to.

I don't know what to do with myself.

We won't have Aaron living here again for at least a year and then he will be 18. Not a minor. A very young man but not a little boy anymore.

My mom has lived by herself for years, How does she do it? She does love her dogs, and she has her men friends. I think she is suddenly getting lonely now.

I am already lonely.