the last night 4 June 2017

Evening is falling on the last day that, if all goes according to plan, my minor son will be living at home under my roof. I am trying to stay composed and rational about this but have been bursting into tears all week and am having a hard time maintaining my composure even now. He is a thoughtful, funny, clever and creative kid. He has been a pleasure to have around since we grounded him after the last time the police called at 2 am because he sneaked out and was caught by them. That was two weeks ago. His car was completely full of drug paraphernalia. Two bags full. He is always a delight when we have grounded him. Its because he interacts with us more and we really enjoy talking to him and going places with him. However, we only get that interaction when he is grounded.

We spent today at an Oakland A's baseball game, watching the A's mount a mighty comeback against the Nationals  late in the 9th but falling one run short. We booed Bryce Harper. Aaron and his Dad sat in the sun three rows back from third plate because the ticket are so cheap. Aaron got a bad sunburn on his feet because he was wearing his new Birkenstocks. He did come up and look for sunscreen for his face and his arms. I reminded him about his ears, but forget to tell him about his feet. AhPo and I sat in the shade. It was a celebratory game for her 80th birthday. She is starting to seem frail. I hope Aaron sees her again

We came home and packed up some things. The transport men come at 3 am. According to the folks at BlueFire Wilderness Therapy he needs to bring nothing with him but it makes me cry to think of it so we packed a toothbrush, toothpaste, a change of socks, a pair of underwear, some snacks and a New Yorker magazine. Reflections of my bad dream from earlier this week. They will provide all his clothes and gear. On one hand, nice, on the other: prison garb. 

I went to his car to see if I could find his driver's license and his car was full of evidence of his drug use. Empty little baggies with leafs printed on them. An empty cardboard box that held a vape. Seeing that stuff in his car assures me we are doing the right thing. Sort of. In a rational way.

Aaron asked if he can drive to summer school tomorrow, because if he weren't leaving he would be attending two semesters of summer school. I said we would think about it. He said if he could drive he would clean out his car, so I said: go clean your car out. He did this with alacrity. I even made some very gentle jokes about the activities that had been occurring in his car (the drugs, the ladies...) which he laughed at. He then decided he wanted to wash his car.

This is the kid I wish we had 100% of the time. This is the kid that is crushing my mother's heart.

So after the Wilderness Therapy he is slated to go directly to a therapeutic boarding high school so 1) he doesn't come back here and fall into his old ways and 2) he has a better chance of completing high school and getting a diploma. This week he has been making plans for the summer after high school. He want to travel around Europe and keeps scaring me with his wishes to go to Syria. Now the plan is to bicycle around Europe. As of now, I hope to be able to offer this to him: We will support a trip around Europe if he graduates. He is expected by the school to graduate next May. One whole year. A year. This will cost me so much money that I can't send him to college and cover his tuition, but honestly we are not sure he would even finish high school in the current situation. I had such high hopes for my son. I imagined that he would rise up and rule the world. I was so hoping to send him to Reed where I know he could have thrived. He would have loved it there with his wit and intelligence. I don't think that's going to happen now. 

I hope this is the right thing. I am so broken up about this. 

I hope it works and he has a good experience and nothing bad happens to him. I hope they don't break his spirit, or turn him into a conservative. I hope he isn't physically or mentally or emotionally damaged. I hope he isn't scarred by this for life and hates us for the rest of our lives. I hope the school turns out to be a good place for him, and he stays on his own volition past his 18th birthday to get his high school diploma. After 18 they can check themselves out and that could be a disaster. Apparently there will be a Family Retreat at the Wilderness Therapy place in a few weeks. And there is letter writing and FaceTime therapy sessions. I hope we won't miss him that much because there will be so much interaction. I'm not sure how much interaction there is at Summit Preparatory High School in Kalispell but I hope that he will get to come home for vacations and all that. I really, really do. 

I am probably not going to be able to contain myself at 3 am, when the guys from the transport company arrive. I will probably have to leave. So I don't see them escort my only son, my little boy, away from me.